안녕하세요~!
오늘 영어 글쓰기 주제는 Starting a business 장단점입니다.
흥미로운 주제로 , 저도 고민이 되는 주제네요.
Starting a business (대기업다닐까? 내 사업 시작할까?)
영어 첨삭을 한번 학생의 essay를 토대로 한번 해보고 학생의 의견을 한번 보고, 본인의 생각을 한번 생각해서 펼쳐보기로 해요~!:))
Would you choose to be offered by a large company or have an opportunity to start your own business?
These days, many people are trying to establish their own company. However, these people are considering establishing by gaining help from a large company or just starting on their own. In any way, I think starting by own is better because gaining help from a large company doesn’t leave much profit and people can express their characteristics freely.
-> These days, a lot of people are trying to start their own companies, and these people are considering getting help from big companies or just starting themselves. In anyway, I think it is good to start on your own because getting help from big companies doesn't make much profit and people can express their characteristics freely.
Firstly, I think starting a business by own is more efficient because gaining help from a large company doesn’t leave much profit. When people gain help from large companies, they need to complete lots of programs and buy the companies products to manage the store. Also, they have to give a certain amount of business profit at month or year, so people can’t get much profit by gaining help from large companies than they thought.
->Firstly, I think it is more efficient to start a business on your own because getting help from a large company does not make much profit. When people get help from large companies, they can run a store by completing many programs and buying company products. Also, they have to give a certain amount of business profit every month or year, so they can't get much benefit from the help of large companies than people thought.
Secondly, I think starting a business by own is more efficient because people can express their characteristics freely. Because large companies manage policy, people can’t manage on their own. However, if they establish a company on their own, they can show their characteristics and the company's main direction with no restriction.
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->Secondly, I think it is more efficient to start a business on your own because people can express their characteristics freely. Because large companies manage policies, people cannot manage themselves at their disposal. However, if you set up your own company, you can show your characteristics and the main direction of the company without limitation.
*at one's disposal : 누구의 처분대로, 마음대로
(ex) We're currently using all the resources at our disposal to deal with the crisis.
In conclusion, I think starting by own is better because gaining help from a large company doesn’t leave much profit and people can express their characteristics freely. Thus, people should find an agreement between stability and sense of challenge. (응? 근데..누구랑?갑자기 conclusion?에)
->In conclusion, I think it's good to start on your own because getting help from a large company doesn't make much profit, and people can express their characteristics freely. Therefore, people need to find a consensus between a sense of security and a sense of challenge.
*총평: 대기업 다니기보다는 새로운 본인의 사업을 시작한다는 의견을 펼친 글입니다.
1. 이익이 적은편이다 2. 자기 표현이 자유롭지않다는 이유로 대기업 다니는 것보다 본인의 사업을 차린다는 의견을 제시했는데, 결론부분에 마지막 문장이 impact가 결여되있어 급 마무리 되는 느낌이어서, 이부분에 대한 보충과 추가적인 supporting detail이 추가되면 하는 아쉬움이 남습니다.
Would you choose to be offered by a large company or have an opportunity to start your own business?